Things that don't make me feel sick:

• cherry tomatoes
• Doritos and salsa
• Water

Things that do make me feel sick:

• Everything not above.

Even the smell of the rubber backing on our rug makes me go green. I end up going to bed by 10pm most nights in a huff as I can't eat anything I want nor even have a cup of tea, and sitting there feeling sick is not what I think of as fun times. (Don't tell anyone this but even my cats are making me feel queasy, and I love my cats).

I have been told by the husband that I am not allowed to eat Doritos and salsa for dinners any more. I pointed out that it was his evil alien spawn that was doing this to me, and that I'd starve on just cherry tomatoes but it fell on deaf ears.

PS I have to say it, there are some unpleasant things happening in the nipple area. I am not happy.

After I'd recovered from the shock of finding out I was pregnant, something suddenly occurred to me which cheered me up. I told the husband that it was traditional for him to give me an eternity ring, as a token of his gratitude and appreciation for the safe arrival of his first-born. I showed him examples of such items so he would know what was necessary.

Initially he accused me of making it up, now he's pretending that the conversation never happened.

Happy 48th Birthday to Madonna, by the way.

Someone at work the other day said "Have you put on weight? I bet you're pregnant!" Cheeky cow. If anything, I'm a bit slimmer than I was this time last year as I've been fitting into things I couldn't before. No I bloody haven't put on weight.

Nothing interesting is happening at all. Apart from me feeling sick as a dog sometimes - it sort of washes over, like travel sickness, but I refuse to yak. I have gone right off yoghurts and anything creamy-looking (including my body lotion and hair conditioner).

Lisa Baker (we'll come to her in a minute) very kindly bought me some breast pads yesterday, just to see my face when I saw what they were. After she'd finished pissing herself, we opened one up to find that they were slightly conical in shape, and would make ideal mini-plates for canapes, or wonky disposable coasters. After we finished mucking around with it I realised I now had an uneven number left. Let's hope one boob is less leaky than the other then. Jesus, I can't even begin to bear thinking about it.

So yes, Lisa absolutely refuses to get pregnant to keep me company. I mean, what kind of mate is that? I'm now the guinea pig for her to see just how terrible the whole process gets, before she decides not to have any. We're also going to see if we can hothouse the thing as I get bigger, you know, play it classical music and Linguaphone CDs and stuff. All in all it should be quite an interesting experiment, which we'd best do before it arrives as I don't think Social Services would think very highly of the whole business afterwards.

Seeing as how it is all rather dull at the moment, to perk things up here is an anecdote from the husband yesterday. At lunchtime, as I was eating a mini Babybel, he said calmly "That looks like whale sick." When I realised that I had heard him correctly, and asked for clarification, he told me about some girl finding a lump of whale sick washed up on a beach somewhere, and how she's sold it on for thousands of pounds to companies that make perfumes, as it's full of the stuff they put into the really expensive ones. He went on to claim that it used to be referred to as "floating gold."

Bugger me if he wasn't right http://uk.news.yahoo.com/12082006/140/girl-s-windfall-lump-whale-sick.html . I hate that.

Weird pregnancy happenings that the books say I should have had and I have:
- feeling queasy/gone off a few foods
- little bit sore in the boob area
- that's it.

Weird pregnancy happenings that the books say I should have had and I haven't:
- feeling tired all the time
- weeing a lot
- metallic taste in my mouth (what?)
- hair going all nice and shiny
- huge mood swings
- constipation

Handy hint for anyone buying pregnancy tests: Get them in Wilkinsons or Savers. They're half the price of anywhere else and they're the proper ones, not made out of cheese or anything.

If I hadn't done the wee-stick thing I wouldn't have a clue. I'm not certain that anything's actually going on in there to be honest. I may just have a stomach bug.

Ahh, the wee-stick. What a strange moment that was. I'd done it, and then I forgot I'd done it and wandered back into the bathroom about 15 minutes later. When I saw it from the doorway I thought "shit that looks like..." and then I thought "Oh. Shit." And then shook it just in case it'd got stuck or something. No such luck.

I would say I felt 50% surprised that I could get pregnant - never having gotten pregnant in the past I was beginning to assume I couldn't, and was fairly ambivalent about it; 45% shocked/not best pleased (as I had again assumed it was going to take a lot more trying than that, and I had ages left before I seriously had to deal with ideas of babies) and 5% quite pleased - fair enough, we had been trying, and I do like to succeed at things.

My husband works shifts, so I had to wait for him to get home, then I lulled him into a false state of security by giving him his dinner and a cup of tea (that should have set the alarm bells ringing straight away), and then made him close his eyes and hold out his hand, then dropped the test into it. He thought he was going to get a bar of chocolate, so he hid his disappointment quite well, saying "Oooh. That's good!" and then "Isn't it?", not being sure of what he was supposed to say/do. Then "Urgh, you've weed on this."

My mum's reaction was even better, I told her I had a surprise for her and she said "Oh, have you won the lottery?!" So that took the wind out of my sails a bit, I felt really disappointed that I hadn't and that I was just up the duff.

When I went to visit my doctor, let's call him Dr. Onymous, I must have seemed not at all pleased, as the first thing he asked me was if I wanted to go through with it. I was rather taken aback, but then confirmed that yes, me and the husband were quite happy to press on with it all. My doctor is a bit vague most of the time. I had to see the nurse a couple of weeks later for blood tests and it was she who filled in my form so I can get free stuff off the NHS, and gave me my 'Emma's Diary' pack. Reading that diary is one of the reasons I'm doing this. The info in there is great, but she really got on my tits.

What's it FOR though?

Looking at some of the other serious proper blogs around here, I feel a bit self-indulgent using this just to waffle on about me and boring things happening to me. Still, I take comfort in the fact that no-one will actually read this nonsense.

I think this is meant to be an in-depth look at a first pregnancy, from the point of view of someone who is hopefully still sane. The idea of a blog was suggested to me as a way of counteracting all the sugary, earth-mother assumptions in the few books and magazines I've glanced at, that
(1) all I have ever wanted to do as a woman is have a baby, and have spent the last few years of married life trying to convince my husband that a baby is the icing on the cake and/or breathlessly trying to conceive and collapsing in tears at the onset of every period;
(2) now I am pregnant, I am a precious princess, I must only eat organic whole foods which have been watered with mountain spring water, chanted over by monks/pagans/shamans and then coaxed from mother earth by vestal virgins, and I must seal myself in a hermetic vacuum in case I come into contact with smoke/alcohol/pollution/soil/animals/air
(3) all my aspirations/desires/goals have now been fulfilled and I can relax into 'motherhood' as I will never ever want to do anything else. Ever.

None of these things are me. I want to kill people who are these things. [Disclaimer: I do not actually harbour murderous intentions. I overstate things for dramatic effect. I hope this stands up in court].

I know a few things before we start. I know that nothing is more dull than some up-the-stick tart going on and on about her pregnancy, and then about her kids. In fact I'm already bored of it and it's happening to me. I cringe whenever someone mentions their kids. I also know, that for some (the majority?) of women, motherhood is what they have always wanted and they want everyone to know how happy they are. I'm not slating these people, I just don't want them to expect me to be the same. Hey, we're all different, live and let live, blah blah.

A few things about me are probably needed beforehand as well: I'm a bit negative. I do it for a laugh half the time. I'm rarely serious about what I say, it's up to you to decide what I'm being serious about and what I'm not. It bothers me not the slightest. I also don't care if you disagree with me and think I'm a horrible cow at any point.

OK. Are we clear? Great stuff.

My first blog post ever

This has been forced upon me by well-meaning Ant and Lisa Baker... so now I've got it I have to use it.