It's only 9 months... but it feels like Maternity...

Now Known As Postnatal Oppression

Monday, August 14, 2006

Someone at work the other day said "Have you put on weight? I bet you're pregnant!" Cheeky cow. If anything, I'm a bit slimmer than I was this time last year as I've been fitting into things I couldn't before. No I bloody haven't put on weight.

Nothing interesting is happening at all. Apart from me feeling sick as a dog sometimes - it sort of washes over, like travel sickness, but I refuse to yak. I have gone right off yoghurts and anything creamy-looking (including my body lotion and hair conditioner).

Lisa Baker (we'll come to her in a minute) very kindly bought me some breast pads yesterday, just to see my face when I saw what they were. After she'd finished pissing herself, we opened one up to find that they were slightly conical in shape, and would make ideal mini-plates for canapes, or wonky disposable coasters. After we finished mucking around with it I realised I now had an uneven number left. Let's hope one boob is less leaky than the other then. Jesus, I can't even begin to bear thinking about it.

So yes, Lisa absolutely refuses to get pregnant to keep me company. I mean, what kind of mate is that? I'm now the guinea pig for her to see just how terrible the whole process gets, before she decides not to have any. We're also going to see if we can hothouse the thing as I get bigger, you know, play it classical music and Linguaphone CDs and stuff. All in all it should be quite an interesting experiment, which we'd best do before it arrives as I don't think Social Services would think very highly of the whole business afterwards.

Seeing as how it is all rather dull at the moment, to perk things up here is an anecdote from the husband yesterday. At lunchtime, as I was eating a mini Babybel, he said calmly "That looks like whale sick." When I realised that I had heard him correctly, and asked for clarification, he told me about some girl finding a lump of whale sick washed up on a beach somewhere, and how she's sold it on for thousands of pounds to companies that make perfumes, as it's full of the stuff they put into the really expensive ones. He went on to claim that it used to be referred to as "floating gold."

Bugger me if he wasn't right . I hate that.


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