It's only 9 months... but it feels like Maternity...

Now Known As Postnatal Oppression

Monday, June 25, 2007

Damn that Health Visitor - she kept saying to me, "By 12 weeks, all of this will sort itself out," and I thought "You bloody patronising cow, I bet it won't, and anyway I need help NOW." But it seems she may have been not quite wrong...

Spawn is all laughy-smiley most of the time now, and we have a pretty good idea what he's yelling about when he's not (like she said). He's also been Sleeping Through for a couple of weeks now (like she said.. the woman's a witch. Burn her!) which has become extremely important. God this is all so boring I know, and yet at the same time utterly crucial.

This very bizarre thing happens, maybe it's just me but speaking to other people I don't think it is. Once you have pushed through another horrendous stage, you forget all about it and just what a fucking trauma it was... it floats away like a bad dream you can't remember when you wake up. I was at the Clinic the other week and there are now other, younger babies appearing so Spawn is no longer the smallest (he's still one of a very few boys though - I'm telling you, the ratio has gone to pot. He's going to be in demand when he's at school). I got chatting to a mum of one of these and she seemed extremely edgy and fraught and was bending the Health Visitor's ear when she was getting her spawn weighed. I observed placidly, thinking "Glad I'm not like that," when it suddenly dawned on me that I was a MILLION times worse than that....

The Baby Massage classes came to an end, and we were all really sad about it because none of us knew what we were going to do with our time now. Some of them are off back to work soon, but I've lost my anchor and am now drifting gently through the week, oblivious to calendars or weekends or any kind of usual marker of normal time. It doesn't help that the Husband works shifts, so it's not even like I can think "oh he's at home, it must be a weekend." I swapped phone numbers with Nice Mum, but we haven't been brave enough to call one another yet (or... was she just being polite and has no intention of meeting up? Did she delete my number the second I wheeled Spawn away?)

Spawn has started doing a number of annoying/revolting/charming things
  • Smiling massive huge whole-face smiles on cue, which make his eyes look like half-moons
  • Doing tv advert-type baby laughs
  • Shrieking at the top of his voice purely for shits and giggles. I mean, it's a really piercing sound, only dogs can hear the top end of it
  • Putting everything into his mouth and drooling like a mastiff
  • Puking (deliberately, I'm pretty sure...)

The things I have found myself doing which seem quite normal at the time but are clearly more evidence that I have Lost It Big Time:
  • Baby bloody Massage
  • 'Putting his name down' for the pre-school up the road, even though he won't be going there for 2 more years - they didn't bat an eyelid when I filled the form in
  • Buddying up to the headmaster of the primary school - he thinks he knows me from somewhere, so he always says hello when he sees me. The Husband gets a Look on his face when I mention this
  • Singing Nellie the Elephant 5 times straight in a row (ridiculously, it's Spawn's all-time-favourite song. Don't ask me why. However, The Bear Went Over the Mountain reduces him to tears instantly. The Husband agrees with him on this one - "Stop singing that stupid bloody song, it doesn't even make any sense") and then singing it to myself when I'm doing the housework
  • Realising that my last 10 purchases on ebay have all been baby-related crap, and probably my last 10 purchases anywhere else too. Not that I have any money left now anyway.


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