There are some very strange people in this world.

Now please don't think I'm being pretend-modest here, or fishing for compliments/sympathy, or any crap like that, because I don't do that, and I don't particularly care either way. But objectively, I am not the kind of female who normally generates second looks or comments from the kind of men who think they have to comment on women.

Having said that, I have found that being pregnant I have attracted attention. And not just "oh-look-she's-got-a-fat-belly-oh-she-must-be-pregnant" kind of attention. I mean male looky-up-and-down, leering kind of attention; smiles and winks; whistles and comments. And it doesn't seem to matter whether I'm wearing slinky stretchy clothing or ginormous t-shirts, jeans and trainers. What is going on? Do they all have a Mummy fixation? Is it the large boobs? Or the fact that I've clearly Done Sex at least once? I'm not saying I mind at all, but it is slightly disturbing.

I have been reading a few babycare books that people have given to me. The main things I have learnt are:

1. The best way to rear your baby is with Nazi-style drills with Reveille first thing in the morning, Von Trapp whistles and marching. When they're older you can give them syrup of figs for the constipation, and the unusual sexual preferences are pretty much the norm now anyway.
2. The best way to rear your baby is with hippy-style no attempts to rear them at all, let them do whatever they want whenever they want and deal with the consequences in eighteen years when you're outside the town hall shouting up through a megaphone explaining that really they ought to put the rifle down now, but of course it's their choice.

I'm also doing my best to dodge the cults. It's started already - the 'well-meaning' "advice", the Hints and Tips leaflets, the tales of how well it works for them and their families... it's like having Jehovah's Witnesses leaping out on you in the supermarket, Mormons sending links to websites to your personal email, Scientologists sending you stuff in the post, and born-agains on every street, shop counter, car park and relative's house, all rolled into one.

Listen people, if I want advice, I'll ask for it. And, I know how to read! (Even if I say so myself, I'm really quite good at reading). So if I want to read something, I'll fetch it myself. And if I want to know how YOU did something with YOUR kid, I'll ask that as well. Otherwise, can we start with the assumption that I don't give a crap about your methods, and that you're going to sod off and leave me alone? Wonderful, thank you so much.